I had a
relatively great high school experience. It wasn’t always fun and games and
smiles, but high school taught me a lot and it shaped me as a person. I faced a
few personal struggles throughout those four years, but I am so thankful for
them. Because of them, I garnered strength and self-belief and passion. By the
end of my senior year, I was in a great place. I got involved in things I cared
about and cherished friendships with a wide variety of people at my school. I
fell in love with photography and continued to run my Instagram blog. I was
planning trips for the future and dreaming about the ways I could improve the
world and help people and do cool stuff. It was a time of thriving!
When I
envisioned what I wanted my college experience to be like, I was optimistic. I
was going to love my business classes and Spanish classes and make the Dean’s
List at the end of the semester. I was going to meet a lot of people and have
empowering conversations in coffee shops about politics and life and love and
everything in between; gaining new companions and perspectives along the way. I
was going to venture out into the city and do cool urban things and make an abundance
of memories. I was going to spend hours studying in the beautiful library,
getting smarter and sharpening my critical and analytical thinking abilities. My
weekends would include passion-fuelled endeavors. And yes, at some point I was
going to break out of my shyness and muster up the courage to ask an interesting
boy out for coffee. (This is literally on my bucket list, believe it or not!) Beyond
these things, I was going to spearhead some type of photography project, and
continue Instagram blogging about healthy food from my dorm room. I wanted to
get involved with student organizations that I felt passionate about. I wanted
to immerse myself into the new environment and take advantage of every
opportunity presented to me, because that’s what college is for, right? The
bottom line was, I didn’t want to live the average college life.
I officially
finished my first semester a few weeks ago. I’m now home for the holidays, and
I have an entire month off. My family members have asked me, “Meghan, doesn’t
it feel wonderful to be done? You’ve finished those hard classes and you
survived finals week!” I fake a smile and say yes, but deep down I know this
isn’t really true.
While finishing final exam week was great and an enormous weight lifted off my shoulders, I don’t really feel a sense of accomplishment over what
I’ve done these past few months at all. Truthfully I’ve been a subdued version
of myself. I didn’t get involved, I didn’t develop my passions, I didn’t reach
my potential at all. And nope I didn’t ask a boy out on a coffee date. I lived
very average—I went to class, studied a fair amount, slept, hung out with
friends on the weekends. I didn’t step out of my comfort zone or grow much as a
person. My camera sat in its case under my bed and my blender remained
neglected. My past self would be very sad, arguably as sad as my current self
right now.
(Oh, and I
definitely didn’t get that spotless 3.8 I had been shooting for… oops. Turns out college academics are indeed much more difficult than high school academics!)
I don’t want to
be a complacent, privileged girl who has some pretentious disdain just because
she didn’t make the Dean’s List. I’m not naïve… Dean’s List or not, I am well
aware that I am a lucky one: I am beyond blessed to have the opportunity of
pursuing higher education at university, and I could not be more grateful. But
this is the exact reason I’m unhappy with myself. How could I have this type of
privilege and not take more advantage
of it? To not study and intertwine it
with my passions and do something greater than myself?
I’m allowing my
disappointment in myself and my regret in my all-around mediocrity to act as a vehicle
for how I’m going to change my college experience. Because if I leave this
university in three-and-a-half years with nothing but a degree, I will consider
my mission a failure.
Because I don't want to end this on such a negative note, here's a picture of some blissful banana ice cream that I made this morning:
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